Flashback: October

October was a good month.  I started to feel a bit better.  The migraines and puking had slowed down.  Not stopped, but significantly slowed. 

In October Penny had her first play date.  She didn't like it.  We've come to realize she's a sissy around other dogs.  We went to Sugarhouse Park and at one point, she ran and jumped into the little duck pond there in an attempt to escape another dog's attempt to hump/play with her.  

Mid-October I took a girl's trip down to Cedar City to hang out with my bestie at her Grandma's house!  It was a much needed vacation for the both of us.

We did some shopping, and some eating, and some theraputic shooting.

I shot my very first handgun ever!

Yes, I'm in a dress with nice shoes.  That's how real women shoot guns ;)

It was really nice to go visit my Amy and enjoy a little mini-vacation.

October is also the month I started to look more and more pregnant.

I dressed up like a pumpkin smuggler for Halloween and we had a little party with my family.

I always harass Steve for not dressing up on Halloween.  On the day of, I came home to find him like this:

Oh man, I still laugh about it every time I think about it.  My favorite part of this picture is his glasses. He put them on on top of the suit.  I also love the casualness of Penny's demeanor, like this is something that happens regularly.

October was a really fun month.

Flashback: September

September was such an exciting month!

Steve and I celebrated 3 years of marriage and we found out the gender of our baby!

And lucky for us, we got to do both those things on the same day!  It was pretty awesome.

On September 16th we drove down to my doctor's appointment and finally got a good look at our baby!  Even though we'd had an ultrasound every time we went, the ultrasound was never very clear.  I felt like Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I could never see the baby very well.

The baby cooperated pretty well and we got a good shot of the little bitty bum and legs.

Prior to this visit, I was convinced we were having a girl.  Steve was too.

Looking at the screen I would think, "I think I just saw a little something..." and then he'd move.

After a few minutes the doctor said, "I'm about 90% sure it's a boy.  The only thing keeping me from saying I'm 100% sure is the fact that we didn't get a longer glance.  He just wiggled so much.

Steve and I left feeling a little dazed.  I so strongly felt like this baby was a girl that I had him convinced it was a girl too. haha.

We're absolutely thrilled it's a boy!  I honestly didn't care either way.  I want both eventually, I didn't care what order they came in.

We were just shocked. 

We didn't tell our coworkers right away.  We wanted to wait to tell our families first.

Originally we were going to do a little gender reveal photo shoot, print the pictures, and mail them to our family... but after several mini fits thrown by family members, we decided we'd text them the picture.  Here's the picture:

For our anniversary we usually go somewhere nice to eat for dinner.

Since we have Penny, we didn't want to go to work, then the ultrasound, and then out to dinner and leave her in the crate all day long so instead, we left work about an hour earlier than needed and went to the cheesecake factory before our ultrasound!  It was delicious!  September 16th was a pretty good day!

Flashback: Steve's Birthday

Steve turned the big dirty thirty this last July!

His birthday happened to be at the beginning of my first trimester and I felt like complete crap.  

Steve, being the huge sweetie that he is, said all he wanted to do on his birthday was stay home, watch a movie, and eat some take-out. 

So that's what we did.  Bless his sweet soul.

I did manage to put together a mini party for him.

We had some of his friends over, ate pizza, and just chatted.  I want to say we played some games, but I honestly don't remember if that's true or not (that's what happens when you decide to blog almost 6 months after the actual event).

We had a joint birthday dinner for him and his 2 brothers at his mom's house and my sister-in-law Claire made a pretty awesome cake.

All in all, it wasn't a terrible birthday.

Flashback: Horman Weddings

Wow, 2014 is pretty much over and I've let a lot of things go unblogged, so I'll be doing a series of "Flashback" blog posts. Let's flashback to August real quick.  I got 2 new sister-in-laws within a few weeks!  There was a whole lotta love flying around the Horman family.

August 10th my brother, Casey, got married to a wonderful little lady, Sydney.  It was beautiful.  Me, my sister-in-law, and my aunt were brides maids. Casey and Syd work with me and met at work (just like me and Steve).  It was such a beautiful day and I'm so happy for them.

My other brother, Jeff, texted everyone back in July and told us to keep August 16th available.  He had been dating someone for a few months and we thought he might be proposing to her that day.  Or announcing a wedding.  We were wrong.  He sent us an address of where to go and when we got there we realized it was a ceremony.  We thought he was doing a surprise wedding!  Again, wrong.  Turns out him and Holly had eloped on July 22nd and kept it a secret from everyone (even their kids!).  They wanted to wait until after Casey's wedding to do a ceremony for their kids.  In this ceremony they read letters they had written to the other person's kids.  They pledged as a family to be committed to each other and to love and support each other.  It was really really cool.  I cried a lot.  I hadn't properly prepared my emotions.  But even if I had, I still would have cried.  It's really hard to accurately explain it because it's such a unique thing.

Our Life Right Now

Our life right now is drastically changing.

I'm feeling almost every emotion there is to feel.

I'm excited to meet this little [unnamed] fella.  I'm nervous at the aspect of being a mother.  I'm anxious I'll fall short.  I'm cherishing the moments left with just Steve and I.  I'm slightly sad that this season in my life is over.  Never again will it just be Stephen and I.  Yes, one day the kids will move out and we'll be alone again, but it will never be just us two that make up our family.  I'm also thrilled at the idea that it will never be just us two again and our house will be filled with the noise of babies and children.  I'm worried about preparing for this baby, will I be ready?  Will Steve?  What if I suffer with postpartum depression.  Will I recognize it?  Will I be in the right state of mind to ask for help?  I'm bothered that I'm still throwing up, but also glad that it's slowed down.  I'm concerned over every cramp I feel.  I'm weepy over the most random things.  I love my doctor.  I feel ecstatic/weepy/in awe when I feel the baby kick and move.   I feel defeated when it comes to migraines.  I feel stressed toward picking a name.  I feel guilty that I haven't been as healthy as I wanted to be, but happy that vegetables no longer make me want to throw up.  I feel tired, just tired.

but mostly... I feel grateful that this baby is mine and that he is healthy.

Life right now is filled with to do lists.

I need to decide on paint colors and a theme for the nursery.  I need to paint the crib, the dresser, and the rocker.  I need to decide on fabric so my mother-in-law can sew crib bedding.  I need to organize all the hand-me-downs I've gotten.  I need to figure out a way to accurately thank the people who have given me said hand-me-downs.

Life right now is filled with planning.

I need to figure out my birth plan (even though nothing will go according to my plan).  Every activity now has to be planned with the closeness of the restroom in mind.  I often find I'm not good at planning for my snacks throughout the day.  I'm hungry all the time, yet fill up so quickly.  I find myself wasting parts of meals and running out of snacks at work.

Life right now has been focusing on how miraculous growing a baby truly is, and ignoring the stretch marks that have managed to show up everywhere.  It's been focusing on the fact that my body and baby are healthy, despite the migraines and morning sickness I've been experiencing.  It's been focusing on striving for health and nutrition, and not worrying about weight gain.  It's been reminding myself that my body, despite the fact that it's been through the ringer the last few years, is amazing.  It's been remembering that one day, I'll feel like myself again.  I won't always be so tired.  One day I'll be able to go to work, grocery shop, cook dinner, spend quality time with family, read scriptures, and work out all in one day and not need a week to recover from it. (FYI, the closest I've come to that day since I've been pregnant is work, grocery shop, and an easy dinner, followed by Steve reading scriptures aloud to me... then I threw up and got nothing productive done for the following few days.)  It's been reminding myself that I'll one day be reliable again.  I'll fulfill my church callings wonderfully and not need to work from home all the time or take time off.

To sum it up, life right now has been realizing that nothing will ever really be the same,  I'll never feel ready for this baby to come, and despite the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings going through my head, life right now is overwhelmingly happy.

Pregnancy Brain

Pregnancy brain is real.  And it's terrifying.  Here I have collected a few pregnancy brain moments.  I'm sure there are soooo many more, but my dear pregnant brain just can't seem to recall them.  Don't worry though, as I do (and as I inevitably create more) I will document them.

Pit Stop

Steve and I were getting ready to go on a walk during a work break and I decided I needed to use the restroom.  The restroom in our lobby is a single room restroom.  I, totally unaware of my surroundings, walked towards the bathroom right as a woman came out.  I thought to myself, "perfect timing" and entered right on in.  Upon coming out, I noticed there was a lady who had been there before I went in.  As I came out, she went into the restroom.  Only then did it hit that I had completely bypassed the line.  *facepalm*  I felt ridiculous and instantly apologized to everyone who was within ear shot.  Good job, Katie, good job.

I-D-1-0-T

Steve and I were driving in the car and he randomly (it probably wasn't that random, but I don't remember how it came up...) said ID ten T and asked me to spell it.  So, I said I-D-T-E-N-T.  He said, "no, spell it with the numbers."  I gave him a confused look and said, "numbers?  There's no numbers in that..."  he looked back at me for a minute and then I got it.

 "d'oh!  10!  10 is a number, okay, let me try again! I-D-1-0-T-E-E!"  At that point he just shook his head.  I don't know why my brain decided to make "T" into "tee" but it did.  He had to explain to me that he was trying to get me to spell idiot.  I found it pretty ironic that I was having such a hard time with that specific word.

Sigh.

Howe, not Howell
I don't remember where we were or who we were talking to but someone said, "Howe, right?  That's your last name?"  to which I responded "yes."  I should have left it there, there was really no need to say anything more... but, of course, I did. "Yes, It's Howe.  Oftenly confused with Howell."  The guy didn't really say anything and just walked away.  Slowly my brain said, "wait... Oftenly?  Did you just say oftenly?"  I asked Steve, "Did I say... oftenly?"
In a slightly embarrassed manner he responded, "...ya"
That is our new word that we oftenly use.  You may also use it if you feel your vocabulary needs some sprucing.

Drink Up!
So, I've had a pretty bad habit of leaving our movable sprinkler on.  One night I was determined not to forget it so I decided I'd sit outside and read while it watered my garden.  Then when it was time to turn it off, I'd remember.  Well guess what, I sat outside and read for about 10 minutes then thought, "Ok, that's probably good, I'm going to turn off the water and go in."  So I stood up and walked right inside.  In my mind I was absolutely positive that I had turned the water off.  After all, that's why I stayed outside.  So I went about my normal evening routine and went to bed.  Penny woke up around 2:30 to go outside and when Steve came back he said, "uh, hon, did you leave your water on?" (That would have meant the water had been running 5, maybe 6 hours) Groggily I assured him I did not.  He then informed me that it was on when he went outside and very slowly, but surely, my half-asleep brain remembered simply standing up and walking in...  "Ah crap" was all I could say at that point, and I went back to bed.  Next morning I went outside to assess the damage.  Yep... several plants were dying.  I guess they don't like swimming.  Luckily I wasn't feeling too hormonal at that point (just stupid) so I didn't cry... unlike the time Penny pulled out my bean plants and I sobbed uncontrollably.  But that's a story for another day.

Let them Eat Bagels!
My team at work does something called Treat Tuesday.  Every other Tuesday we have treats in our team meetings.  Once a month they're supplied by the company budget and once a month they're supplied by an employee.  I'm in charge of passing around the sign up sheet for volunteers.  July was a super busy month at work, we had a few lunches and celebratory moments so we decided to forego the Treat Tuesdays for that month.  I didn't realize that no one had signed up for August's Treat Tuesday.  Not a big deal, I noticed on Monday.  I sent around an email asking if anyone would like to volunteer, I realized it was short notice and if no one wanted to volunteer we could just switch weeks with the budget treats and have someone bring treats the following Treat Tuesday.  Well, no one responded quickly.  I figured I'd give them until about 2 pm and send out another email saying we'd just do budget treats.  A coworker and I decided that if no one volunteered and I felt half-way decent the following morning, I'd stop and grab bagels.  If I didn't feel well she could run to Harmon's and grab something quick, like muffins.  Well, time passes and 2 people volunteered.  It was decided that our boss would bring in treats.  Whew, now I don't have to worry about it.  Right?  Let us skip ahead to the next morning, shall we?
 I wake up and realize that for once, I'm feeling close to normal.  I get excited.  I can totally go get bagels!  I get ready and swing by Einsteins on my way in.  The bagel baskets were empty when I got there so I just figured my co-worker and I could run to Harmon's.  Right as I'm getting ready to turn around and walk out, a worker brings out a large cart of bagels and started filling the baskets.  Score!  So I gather a dozen, pay, and make my merry way into work.  I got into work and I thought, "I bet my coworker will be happy about the bagels."  I set the box on my desk and she gives me a reeeaaally confused look.  I stared back at her and thought, "Oh no!!! I was supposed to get donuts."  I quickly replayed our conversation from the previous day.  No, we decided bagels.  Why is she looking at me like that?
"Ummm....." she uttered, still staring.  "Did you forget?"
"Did I forget what?"
"Scott is bringing treats... why did you get bagels?"
I started laughing so hard.  Not once did it ever cross my mind that I wasn't supposed to get the treats...  Not even after her confused and questioning look.  I guess it's better to forget you aren't supposed to bring the treat rather than forget you are.  Luckily my boss hadn't gotten anything yet, not that double treats would have been terrible.

Thanks for reading, friends!  Check back oftenly for updates!

Hello, Fetus

Yes, it's true, there is a fetus in my tummy.  And here's a few questions and answers to tell you how it's going so far!

How and when did you find out?

I found out towards the end of June.  I had absolutely no idea that I was pregnant.  When Steve and I decided to try, I bought several pregnancy tests.  I figured it would take us a while and I'd want the tests.  I had bought a few of the fancy digital tests that tell you how far along you are.  I decided that I could use cheap tests until we got a positive, then use a digital test to calculate how far along I was.  Well one morning I was bored.  I didn't think I was pregnant because I was having cramps that I assumed were signaling the beginning of that special monthly time.  I decided since I had 3 digital tests (that's how many came in the box) I could spare one for curiosity's sake.  I wanted to see how they worked, I'd never used one before.  

So I did my thing and set it on the counter and started getting ready for work. (Steve had already left at this point.  I was positive that I wasn't pregnant so I figured there was no point in asking him to stay, or even telling him I was taking a test.)  As I was getting ready for work and I kept glancing at the test.  The digital tests have a little hour glass that flips back and forth.  I looked down and the screen said "pregnant" and the hour glass was still flipping.  I yelled, "what?!? Wait... no no no, what?!?" and grabbed the instructions.  I thought, "maybe it takes a minute to have 'not' come up before the word 'pregnant,'  but that seems kind of mean and messed up..."  (I wasn't thinking rationally, I was just convinced the test was wrong.)  The instructions informed me that the test will determine pregnant or not pregnant first, if it determines that you are pregnant, then it will take a few more minutes to calculate how far along you are.  At that point I put the instructions down and looked at the test again.  "Pregnant 1-2"

Jaw dropped.

No...  I'm not pregnant... Am I really pregnant?

As I was getting ready I kept stealing glances at the test.  I don't know why, but I kept expecting it to change and say "not pregnant."

I was so glad at that moment that Steve and I work together.  Before I left for work I ran down to all the baby clothes my sister gave me and found one of my favorite onsies.  It says "Hello, I'm new here" and has a picture of the Earth. I put that in a sack with the test and went to work.  On my drive there, I started to come out of my shock.  I said out loud, "Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!" and started to cry a bit.  Don't worry, I didn't cry long, I snapped back into shock pretty quick. 

I got to work and I asked Steve to come out to my car to help me with something.  He came out, I asked him to sit in my passenger seat and I handed him the bag.  He opened it, looked at me, and I shakily whispered, "I'm pregnant"  We hugged and cried for a few minutes.

It's one of my favorite moments.

Have you had any issues?

I've been extremely wary of having a miscarriage.  In the first few weeks, I continually told myself not to get too excited.  I didn't want to be crushed if I lost the baby.  My mom has had several miscarriages, my sister has had one, I figure at some point in my life I'll have one too.  I thought, "don't sit and wait for it to happen, hope for the best, but don't get overly excited yet" (as if you can control yourself from getting overly excited)

But at 6 weeks, I started spotting.  I told myself not to get worried or upset yet.  Spotting is common, wait until you talk to your doctor.  This was on a Sunday.  First thing Monday morning I called my doctor's office.  I spoke with a nurse and described the bleeding to her.  She wasn't too concerned.  She said it sounded a lot like common spotting.  Especially since it had slowed way down overnight.  She told me to come in for some blood tests to check my levels.  I did and she called me back within an hour of getting my blood drawn.  She said that my levels looked good, I shouldn't be worried, and they wanted to do some followup blood work 48 hours later to make sure my levels are rising how they should.  So I went back Wednesday evening.

Thursday afternoon I called my doctor and the nurse put me on hold while she looked up my results.  At this point I had stopped bleeding completely and wasn't worried at all.  The nurse kept me on hold for a long time which isn't common for their office... I started to get a little worried.

She came back on the line and her tone had changed.  She was more somber.  She informed me that my levels hadn't risen as much as they should have.  I needed to have an ultrasound.  She said that in situations like this, they are most commonly looking for an ectopic pregnancy, or a miscarriage.  "oh...." I said with a lump rising to my throat.  She asked when I could come in for an ultrasound and I told her I could come as soon as possible.  They didn't have any open appointments that day so she called around to all the imaging centers close by.  All booked.  I'd have to wait until the next morning for one.

Talk about a long night.

I was a mess.  I had tried so hard not to get too excited early on, but how can you not get excited?  All evening I was choking back tears.  Steve and I just sat and held each other.  He took off work the next morning and came with me to the ultrasound.  The whole ride there I was focusing on taking deep breaths and trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall down my cheeks.  We got there and I was prepared for the bad news I was sure we would get.  The tech did an abdominal ultrasound and found a sac, but no baby.  She said that can happen early on and that we should do a trans-vaginal ultrasound to see if we can get a better look.

Instantly a little pea shape appeared with a flutter right in the middle.  I did a double take, I looked at Steve to see if he saw what I saw.  The tech said, "there's your baby and there's the heartbeat!"  I looked from the screen to her to the screen again and said, "what?  Are you sure?"  I was in utter and complete shock again.  I went about life over the next 2 weeks extra nervous.  I was terrified that I might do something to disrupt that little pea in its growth.  My doctor did a follow up a few weeks later and the baby was still growing!  It was measuring right where it should!  Eek!  She put my mind at ease and told me that ultrasounds overrule blood tests.  The fact that the baby was growing at the pace it should and had a strong heartbeat told her that there was nothing out of the ordinary to worry about.

Symptoms?

I'm sorry, what was the question?  I fell asleep.

But really, this exhaustion is out of control.  I told Steve that it feels like someone drugged me with sleeping pills and won't let me sleep.

Pregnancy brain, it's been bad.  I may or may not have left a sprinkler on for 5+ hours and killed half my garden...  Whoops!

Nausea.  Bleh.  If I never puke again it will be too soon.  

But the worst symptom has been the migraines.

Luckily a very wise coworker informed me that taking magnesium and vitamin D will help with the migraines.  That's the only way I've kept from mentally losing it.  Before I started taking the supplements I had gotten 8 migraines in a 10 day period.  Every one had left me curled on the bed, crying, and praying for relief.  I was sure I was going to die.  Bless you magnesium and vitamin D.

Have you had any cravings?

My cravings seem to change from week to week.  One week I couldn't get enough potatoes.  The next I absolutely NEEDED V8, not the flavored stuff, the original tomato flavor.  Yum.  Mexican food usually sounds good.  But my two constants have been OJ and cheese, any kind of cheese.  I just can't get enough of either.  Cheese will always settle well.  

 How are your emotions?

Ya know, I always thought I'd be completely out of control when I got pregnant.  I was a total crazy woman when I started birth control... I may or may not have cried over the fact that Chick-fil-a forgot to give us a ketchup packet... (poor Steve... that was like 2 weeks after we were married.  He probably wanted to run for the hills when that happened.)  So far I haven't had anything too irrational happen...  Well... except for a minor melt down over the fact that I accused Steve of  making a lamp more important than me...  But that's a story for another time...

All in all we're SOOOO excited!  

I'm happy that Penny still loves me, even though I mostly lay on the couch.  

Also, I'm happy that Steve still loves me even though my hair is rarely out of a pony tail, my make up is rarely pretty, and I mostly lay on the couch.  Did I mention how much I love him?  Without him I'd have to repeat wear dirty clothes and eat off dirty dishes.  He's a saint, that man.

But we're almost out of the first trimester! 

Here's looking forward to less puke and more energy!

Introducing: Ms. Penelope Howe

Well, if you're on any of my social networks, you know by now that we have a new little fur child, and we're smitten.

We love her.  We found her on KSL about 2 weeks ago and we've anxiously been awaiting her arrival.
She came to our house on June 13th.
We were fully prepared for all puppy hell to break loose.  We've been prepared for lots of potty accidents, crying, barking, sleepless nights, chewing... the whole 9 yards.
So far, she's only had one itty bitty accident her first night, rarely cries, still hasn't barked, sleeps fairly well, and is usually content to only chew her toys.
Guys, she's awesome.
She prefers me over Steve (which secretly makes me so happy I could cry)
She gets SOOO excited when she sees me after I've been else where.  Maggee used to do the same thing (as does every dog) and I've missed it so much.  Being greeted by a furry friend is probably one of the things I've missed the absolute most.
And she's a cuddler.
My heart has melted.
I love watching her little personality come out.  She was timid the first and second day, but now she's becoming playful and outgoing.
It's so funny to watch her play.  She'll get really really excited for like 20-30 minutes, and then, as if someone drugged her, she's suddenly out for at least a solid hour.
Also, she's obsessed with my feet.  She has to be on them/in between them as often as possible.  She's actually currently passed out on them right now.

We just love her.
We're working on biting, she bites a bit too hard when she's playing, but she's learning really quickly.
We're crate training.  She's doing pretty well.  She seems to like her crate and goes into it quite a bit (probably because we put treats in there).
I'm a dog person.
I need a dog always.
I'm just not as happy as I could be without one and I'm so excited for our future adventures with our new little girl.
I shall of course keep you updated.  Stay tuned.

Stay in the Struggle, Don't Quit

Steve and I were asked to give talks last week.  Our topic was "Stay in the Struggle, Don't Quit."  Here's my talk, don't make fun of me, I write out EVERY word.  If I don't, I freeze up.

Good Morning Brothers and sisters!

For those of you who don’t know me, and that’s probably most of you, I’m Katie Howe and this is my husband, Stephen Howe.  We just moved from Sandy about a month ago and we’re really excited to be here.  We’ve been married for a little under three years.  We don’t have kids yet, however we will be getting a little golden retriever puppy this upcoming weekend… and puppies are a lot like kids.  Stephen and I met 4 years ago at work.  We work at Deseret Mutual.  We were both sitting in the lunch room, I by myself, and him at a table full of friends when he noticed me sitting alone and invited me over to sit with them.  We quickly became friends.  Before we went on our first “official” date, we took a lunch break together and went to Subway.  I was nervous and kept touching my hair to make sure it was all in place and I was presentable… half way through the meal I noticed he was staring at me and trying to hold back a laugh… My anxiety instantly grew.  He informed me that I had managed to spread mustard through my hair and across my forehead.  I was mortified… apparently that’s when he realized I was the one for him, I on the other hand thought he’d take off running, never to be seen again.  But he didn’t, and now, almost 4 years later we’re here with you.

I was excited when Brother hill asked us to speak and gave us our topic.  Well… As excited as one can be when asked to speak publicly…  But I was excited because the topic is “Staying in the Struggle, Don’t Quit.”  Every single one of us experiences trials and struggles.  No one is immune, although if you’re like me, I’m sure you’ve sometimes wished you were.  I want to focus my talk today on how to not “quit” when we get hit with the big trials.  When we’re so fully consumed and overwhelmed by the struggles we’re facing, when we feel as though taking one more step forward may cause us to falter and fall, when the very fabric of our world is threatening to tear at the seams...  When “giving up” sounds pretty dang tempting.   How then, when we’re feeling so weak, can we endure?

            Elder Robert D. Hales has said:

                        “The basic requirements for enduring to the end include knowing who we are, children of God with a desire to return to his presence after mortality; Understanding the purpose of life, to endure to the end and obtain eternal life; and living obediently with a desire and determination to endure all things, having eternal vision.  Eternal vision allows us to overcome opposition in our temporal state and ultimately, achieve the promised eternal rewards and blessings of eternal life.” End quote.

            As Elder Hales said, we need to know who we are to endure.  So what does it mean to you when you think about being a child of God?  To me, it means that I know him, I lived with him.  I often like to think about the pre-existence.  I like to think of what it was like to live with God.  I like to think about the plans that were presented to each of us.  One plan involved no heartache, no struggles, no trials of any kind.  It ensured that every single one of us would be perfect and clean and make it to the Celestial Kingdom, not one single soul would be lost.  But the other plan involved temptations, it involved sin and trial, it involved heartache and loneliness, but it also involved merciful, sweet, redemption.  That plan promised us that if we endured faithfully, we would make it back to Heavenly Father.  Each and every one of us understood – I believe in-depth – both plans.  Each one of us joyfully and excitedly chose the second plan, the plan of Salvation.  We understood that to obtain true godliness, we needed to grow, and in order to grow, we needed to experience opposition in all things.  We understood that trials and opposition would truly benefit us and knowledge and wisdom couldn’t truly be earned or achieved without hard work and experience; so we gladly chose trials and opposition.  We rejoiced when the Lord promised us a savior who would pay our debts so we could return and live with God once again.  When I fear that I cannot take another step forward, I try to remember those facts.  I remind myself to keep going, because if I do, then Salvation is promised to me, and that is overwhelming.

            It’s overwhelming to me because despite all my many imperfections (and there are many), the Lord will welcome me back into his presence, with open and loving arms, so long as I endure.  I want to bear my personal witness, to you of the Lord’s love, for he loves us so completely.  His love is all encompassing.  It is ALWAYS there for us, whether we feel we deserve it or not.  It is there for us when we have sinned, or when we are weak.  It is there for us even when we tell him we don’t want it.  His love for us is simply always there.  I feel that if each of us were truly able to comprehend the love the Lord has for us, our faith would be unshakable.  In countless conference talks and scriptures the Lord has expressed his love for us.  In 2Nephi 26:24 we are told “he doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the World; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him.  Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation.”  I love that scripture.  Everything the Lord does, he does for the benefit of us.  He allows us to suffer through tragedy and pain because he knows that it will benefit us.  He knows that we will be grateful for the knowledge and experience we gain.  And he knows that we need him, and he is always at our door waiting for us to let him in so he can comfort and strengthen us. 

I want to share an experience I had.  January of this year I had back surgery, but prior to that back surgery I had chronic, constant back pain.  I suffered with it for almost 2 years before deciding to take my chances with surgery.  During those 2 years I tried my hardest to be grateful for my trial.  I recognized that physical pain was nothing compared to trials I could be going through.  I knew that I was, and still am, incredibly blessed.  I tried to recognize the lessons I was learning and the blessings I was receiving, and most the time I feel like I did a fairly decent job.  I, for the most part, remained cheerful.  I learned to be grateful for a healthy body, something that I had really taken for granted.  I learned to recognize and acknowledge other blessings that I had previously taken for granted.  But constant pain is exhausting, and it wore me down.  My patience was stretched.  There were countless nights in which sleep was unattainable.  One night last December, I was done.  I had met my limit.  I knew the Lord could do anything, and I stubbornly and bull headedly informed him it was it was time for him to heal me.  I had made up my mind, I was not moving from my spot on my side of the bed until he healed me.  I mean, He raised Lazarus from the dead!  Surely a little back and sciatic nerve pain were nothing for him.  I told him that if I he really needed me to suffer through some sort of a trial, so be it, send something else, but I was absolutely done with this one, it was not up for discussion.  And just like that, I closed myself off to any comfort or guidance he might send me.  I foolishly closed my door and left him outside knocking.  I’m embarrassed to admit all this, especially to a ward full of people I don’t know.  I really try my hardest to be humble, but that night, I was on the brink of “quitting”.  I threw my little tantrum to Heavenly Father silently.  Steve had been awoken so many times during many of my sleepless nights and I was trying hard to not disturb him.  Partly because I felt like I should suffer alone, but partly because I knew he would try to talk some sense into me and I was not about to be persuaded to be reasonable.  But suddenly, Steve was there on my side of the bed and he softly told me he felt like he needed to give me a blessing.  That blessing humbled me to my core.  No, my back wasn’t healed that night, yet somehow, I lived on.  The Lord told me in that blessing something that I had heard hundreds of times, that he loved me, that he was there for me, that if I allowed him in, he would make my burdens light.  He reminded me that burdens are not punishments, but they are meant for our good.  They teach us, they shape us.  My testimony of the Lord’s love for me grew immensely that night.  I comprehended, in a way I had never before been able to, just how much the Lord loves me.  There I was, being prideful and stubborn.  Telling him I didn’t want his love, I wanted his miracles.  Yet he didn’t turn away from me, he didn’t strike me down.  I wouldn’t allow him to come to me, but he wanted me to know of His love, so He went to Steve.  He offered his strength and he taught me that if I will continue to be patient, I will see miracles; maybe not miracles of instant healing, but miracles of strength, wisdom, and love.  Elder Richard G. Scott once said:

            “Love is a powerful healer.  Realize that, Satan would separate you from the power of the love of God, kindred, and friends, who want to help.  He would lead you to feel that the walls are pressing in around you and there is no escape or relief.  He wants you to believe you lack the capacity to help yourself and that no one else is really interested.  If he succeeds, you will be driven to further despair and heartache.  His strategy is to have you think you are not appreciated, loved, or wanted so that you in despair will turn to self-criticism, and in the extreme even to despising yourself and feeling evil when you are not.  Remember the wisdom of the Lord “is greater than the cunning of the devil.” End quote.

            Sometimes we will feel broken and downtrodden.  We may feel as though we cannot possibly endure another moment longer.  We will feel as though life is too heavy and we just can’t seem to catch a break.  We will want to sit down and give up.  We may stubbornly tell God that we’re done, or we may shut him out entirely, trying to pretend he doesn’t care about us.  We may feel tempted to find immediate comfort or relief and lose sight of His eternal plan.  Our faith may waver.  We may question God’s plan, the plan we chose.  We will from time to time forget that trials bring us closer to becoming perfect and we may long for a life free of trouble.  No matter what your trial is, I promise you that you can make it through.  I testify that God loves each of us perfectly.  Do not shut him out.  Trials are never punishments, they are opportunities for growth and if we allow him in, he will comfort and carry us.  For we are His children, and He is our Father.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

May-hem

May was crazy.

It FLEW by.

I can't even remember everything that happened (which makes me a little sad), but here's what I do remember.

First a foremost, we moved into our first home!

There was a little confusion with the moving truck and we ended up having to take 2 trips.  We told our property management that we'd turn the keys to our duplex in on May 3rd, the same day we moved.  That was ridiculous of us.  I don't know what I was thinking.  Getting everything out, the place scrubbed, carpets cleaned, etc. was a wee bit hectic.  However, we're LOVING our place.  As far as the inside goes, we finally have it all furnished and next we'll be painting (we meant to do that before it was fully furnished... but that didn't happen).  The outside is very very slowly coming along.  Our sprinkler system misses little spots here and there.  Also, there's a ridiculous amount of evil, painful weeds (I've nicknamed them Satan weeds, because I feel like they're trying to destroy me).  We also installed a grow box and planted a garden!  We're growing tomatoes, spaghetti squash, cucumbers, bell peppers, onions, lettuce, carrots, sugar snap peas (well, we're trying to grow those, but they just want to die), and green beans.

It still feels weird that this is my house.  I don't feel grown up enough to own a home, but I'm most definitely grateful!

I did a no sugar challenge.  It was tough.  I didn't make it a full 30 days with absolutely no sugar.  I made it 11.  haha.  I, for some reason, had 2 or 3 sleepless nights in a row and they ruined me.  I broke when I was offered some sugar.  I still feel like I did fairly well though.  I definitely didn't eat nearly as much as I had been and I feel like I broke my sugar addiction, and honestly, that was always my end goal.  I don't crave it like I used to.  I feel like I've done pretty well at making healthier choices.  Except I've gotten worse at consistent working out (unless you can count home-owning as working out, because there's been a lot of yard work).  Oh well, I'll just take it one day at a time.

Also, I feel like we need to note that I live about 100 feet from a doughnut shop.  I'd like a pat on the back for not going there every day.

And lastly, we've had a lot of different things filling our time.  We've had lots of family stuff going on.  I'm SOOO excited to be so close to them.  My nieces spent the night on memorial day, my best friend came to visit for a few days,  my sister moved to Virginia, we've gotten to know ward members and neighbors, life has been good to us.

Update (because I know you care)

So here we are...  Day 2.  Yesterday was awesome.  I felt great.  I made yummy meals and I didn't even kind of want sugar.  My brain told my body "no," and and my body listened.  Today?  Today has been less great.  I've been exhausted all dang day.  I've had sooo much water, fresh fruits and veggies,  and proteins.

I'm getting a headache.

And I'm getting irritable.  

Seriously.

Sigh.  My brain is still saying no, as badly as I could go for a diet coke and a cookie right now, it will continue to say no.  I hear the first week is the worst, then after that your body doesn't want junk.  I wish I could just sleep through this week.

Or not talk to / be around anyone.

Yes, that would be quite nice.

My No Sugar Challenge

That's right, I said no sugar.  Am I crazy?  probably, but for reasons other than my no sugar challenge.

Let me clarify what I mean by no sugar.

I'm cutting out all processed, artificial, and added sugars.  Yes, added sugars... which are in just about EVERYTHING.

I'm not expecting to be 100% perfect at cutting out added sugars right away, seeing as I'm starting this challenge 2 days after I move into our house; but over time, I'd like to be better about cooking almost everything we eat.

We will be using 100% pure maple syrup, honey, agave, and stevia to sweeten things.

Why am I going so extreme you ask? 

Well, for starters, I want to see if I can.  I'm a total sugar addict.  I have been my whole life.  I've really really struggled to have a healthy body image and a healthy relationship with food for as long as I can remember.  I finally feel like I'm getting to the point where I have a healthy body image, I truly love my body, and I really want to take care of my body.  Bodies are pretty awesome and when you give them the right stuff, they can do almost anything. 

 Second, I've tried this whole "moderation" thing...  Let's just be honest, I suck at it.  I make excuses to eat what I want.  I'll eat just a little bit of this, then a few hours later I'll eat just a little bit of that, next thing I know, I've consumed far more junk than can be considered a "healthy" amount, and it's only fueled my desire for more.  I'm not cutting sugar out forever, I'm going to go a month without processed and added sugars, then we'll re-evaluate.  Maybe someday I'll get to the point where I truly can eat just a little bit of sugar and feel satisfied.

Third, I feel like crap.  Before my back surgery I had gotten down some really good eating habits.  Since then, I feel like it's been one thing after another.  My food depended on what other people served to me for a while, then Maggee died and I didn't care what I ate, then we went on vacation, then bought a house, etc.,  I found reasons to push nutrition to the side and focus on other things... and boy have I been feeling it lately.

Fourth, I want to establish good, healthy habits for my future family.  One day I'll be responsible for little people.  I'll be responsible for how they learn to treat their bodies.  I want them to love themselves.  I don't want them to struggle with learning to be healthy.  In order to do that, I need to establish good, healthy habits of my own.  After all, kids learn by example.

Fifth, I don't want to be chubby anymore.  I want to make sure I don't end up with back problems for the rest of my life.  I don't want to end up with heart problems or diabetes.  I want to fit into my smaller clothes and I want to not worry about the angle at which my picture is being taken.

I'm a little nervous going into this challenge that I'm not going to be able to go without any sugar.  I was telling Steve that I'm nervous I'm going to fail.  That got me thinking.  Can I really consider it a "fail" if I almost completely cut out sugars, but one day I'm weak and I have a cookie?  No!  After all, my goal is to establish healthy habits.  I'm human.  Perfection is not realistic.  I'm going to have days where being healthy is harder than others, but I'm going to do my absolute best.  I just want to break my bad habits.  I want to truly become a healthier person.  I'm done relying on caffeine and sugar to get me through my days.

I'm going to succeed this time because I truly want to.  I really don't want to eat junk anymore.  I may cave here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm not going to fail.  I'm going to establish healthy habits and prepare myself to raise a happy and healthy family.

If anyone wants to do this with me, please do!  The more the merrier! 

For a good resource on how to cut out sugar, click here.  

You should also read "A Year of No Sugar."  I'm not going as extreme as the family in that book did, but I found it very informational.

For wholesome and easy recipes, follow @eating_whole and @marcicooks on Instagram; you won't be sorry.

If you yourself have helpful tips or yummy recipes, help a sister out and leave them in the comments below!

P.S.  I'll be starting this challenge on May 5th, but really, you can join in anytime.

Frustrated

*Foreword: this is an emotional, frustrated ranting post. I try to keep my posts positive, but I'm not making promises for this one. You've been warned*

Can I just be real for a minute?

My body frustrates me, a lot.  I often feel discouraged.

For the last year or so, I've been so focused on trying to eat healthy, and since my back surgery, I've been focused on trying to eat healthy and get adequate amounts of exercise.  My weeknights have revolved around preparing creative healthy meals and working out.  It's practically consumed almost all my free time and energy.  Dare I say it?  It's more exhausting than school was with an injured back.

I track all my food, yes, I still have an occasional treat because let's be real, no one can go completely without treats.  I've tried really hard to make the treats healthier.  I've worked with a lady at work (she's our Health Promotions coordinator) she's been weighing me weekly and taking measurements.  She's so kind and patient with me.  I've been working with her for 2 months now...  and I've lost a total of about 2 pounds.  Is it this hard for other people?  I don't feel like it should be this hard.  Am I missing something?

I know I could be more diligent, there's ALWAYS room for improvement, but seriously, I've been doing pilates, yoga, swimming, spinning, and walking.  My feet hurt nearly every day from spending so much time in the kitchen making healthy meals.

My body seems to love fat, it just doesn't want to let it go, it never has  Granted, I've had really unhealthy habits in the past that have most definitely messed with my metabolism.  But should it be this impossible to get your metabolism to work properly?

Sigh,  I'm just tired, and I've gained 2 pounds in the last week.  It's hard to stay excited and motivated when you don't see the results you want.  I just need to revisit the drawing board, change up my game plan.

Don't worry, I'll never throw my goals out the window and stop working towards them, I still want to take care of my body. I know I'll get there with consistent hard work.

 I'm just tired, and frustrated, and discouraged, and I needed to ramble and vent.

So thanks for listening to my big fat complaining post.

Now to end with a little bit of positive, my flexibility is coming back to me.  And that makes me happy.

This Crazy Thing Called Life

Today in my Gospel Doctrine class we talked about how our lives are not a straight paved road leading from point A to point B, but instead, our lives are like rivers.  There's lots of twists and turns.  I've never wanted to go "Southern Black Gospel" on my ward so badly.  It was all I could do to not shout out a "Hallelujah!"

Because our life is twisting and turning right now.

Let me back up.  Our plan has ALWAYS been to have Steve graduate with an English degree, then go to Law school.  We've been working toward that for the last 2.5 years...  

Until suddenly we're not anymore.

Law school was getting close.  and we were getting uneasy.

You're probably saying to yourself, "well duh, Katie, Law school is big, of course you were getting uneasy."

and to you I say, you're right.

So I've ignored that uneasy feeling for a while.  But the more things moved forward, I started feeling depressed, and I couldn't figure out why.  I could tell something was off with Steve.

I just kind of felt like our life was spinning and I couldn't quite get a grip on it.

So finally (I don't know why we waited so long) Steve and I had a sit down chit chat.

Long story short, we talked about Law school, we decided we needed to revisit our plan and pray about it.

So that's what we did, and we both felt strongly that Law school is not for us.

So we said, "well... what's our next step, if it's not law school?"

We started looking around at houses, we prayed about whether or not buying a house would be something good for us, we realized our lease is up at the beginning of April and right now is kind of the perfect time to look.  So we looked and looked, we looked for a full 3-4 days until we stumbled upon a house that had EVERYTHING we wanted, for the price we wanted it at.

We prayed again and thought a lot about it...

Do things normally happen this fast and this easily?  Everyone always says the process of house hunting/buying is stressful... we hadn't run into any real stress yet.

We decided to go take a look at the house in person... and we fell in love.  

After looking at it, we walked in our door, and suddenly, our perfect little home didn't feel quite so much like a home.

So we put an offer in, the sellers countered it, and we accepted...  Assuming nothing crazy happens, we'll be homeowners in the next 30 days!

Eek!  Oh, by the way, all this happened within the span of 2 weeks.  I know... it's insane, right?

But I'm so excited for this next chapter of our lives.

2014 has been all over the place so far.

Birthday Festivities

well, it's true... I'm no longer feelin' 22.

My 23rd birthday was AWESOME!  Best birthday yet.

I'm hopeful that it's a foreshadow how my 23rd year will be.

I started the day out with a delicious donut from Banburry Cross
went to work, left a few hours early with Steve, went shopping, ate some delicious sushi....
and went to Nickelcade!  I know I know,  I'm like a 10 year old.
But ya know what, life is more fun when you let go and have fun like a little kid.

A few days before my birthday my parents took Stephen and I to a Thai place downtown.  It was absolutely delicious.  We will definitely be going again.

We did 2 different family birthday gatherings for me (I know, spoiled).
The first one was with my family, we went bowling, then to my brother's for cake and ice cream.  My soon-to-be sister in law made me a beautiful cake.  In the middle of singing the happy birthday song, my niece and nephew ran up and blew my candles out.  It was pretty hilarious.
The second one was with Steve's.  Steve's family came to our house and we had a taco night.  Because tacos are just delicious.

Also, people were ridiculously thoughtful this birthday.  I feel like EVERYONE remembered.  and it was really sweet.  I wasn't really looking forward to my birthday, I feel like the older you get, the less fun they are.  But then my birthday came and my coworkers and neighbors and family and husband all made it super awesome.  Thanks, everyone.

Now, enjoy a slew of pictures.  I'm feelin' too lazy right now to combine them into little collages.

Life as of Late

We've had a fun couple of weeks lately.  We got to go see Brian Regan, which was soooo awesome.  We were the first raised row on the ground floor and only 4 rows from the stage (that was probably confusing).  Our seats were perfect though.  the non-raised seats had to look up the whole show, however, for our row, he was right at our eye level and we were smack in the middle. :)

(sorry about the terrible lighting, I obviously had no control over that)

Man he's awesome.  I'm so glad we got to see him.

I also did something drastic.

Why did I do this you ask?

I just needed a change... and my hair grows so quickly anyway that I figured if I didn't like my short hair, my long hair would be back in a couple months.

But I do like my short hair.  A lot.  I do miss my pretty melt though.

One of my friends from my Vegas days (Victoria) lived and Provo and used to do my hair before she moved to New York... I've let very few people touch it since then, even for just a trim.  I'm not quite ready to let anyone color it...  I guess I just have trust issues.

And I'm still hurt that Vic left me alone to fend for myself... (I'm needy, plus it's hard to find someone who just gets your head.)

Buuuuut..... there's a light at the end of my tunnel.  A cute girl in my ward has gained my trust when it comes to her scissors, which is why I decided to take the plunge and chop off all my hair.  And I was not let down.  She did a really cute a-line long bob... It's hard to see the a-line from these pictures, but it's cute.

Also, life lately has been trying to get my body good and healthy.  I've been working with a lady at my work.  She weighs me once a week and takes my measurements.  That, combined with the fact that my back is feeling pretty dang good, has been incredibly motivating.  Stephen and I got passes to the rec center by our house and we've started swimming several times a week.  I also discovered that my gym offers an aquatic zumba class.  Yes, it is as awesome as it sounds.  I've also started going to cycling classes.  The first time I went I made the mistake of wearing normal work out pants... an hour and half later I was ready to cry.  Without getting too graphic on you, I'll sum up my experience with saying this: padded pants=an absolute necessity. 

I love working out.  My struggle is eating clean.  Seriously, why do all my favorite foods have to be so void of nutrition/fattening.  This little meme sums up my feelings perfectly.

Sigh...  in a perfect world...

Since I'm out of school this semester, I've tried to take advantage of my free time and play around with food.  I've made some pretty tasty things and tried some fun new foods.  This week I will be trying homemade sweet potato chips with an avocado dipping sauce.  I'll let you know how it turns out.  Also, I'm make spaghetti squash tomorrow for the first time.  Hopefully it turns out yummy.

Here's one of my favorite breakfasts... I find that I'm starving in the mornings, especially if I've had a good work out the night before, this breakfast has a good mix of carbs/proteins.

ps. that egg mixture is half of the following: 1 whole egg + 2 egg whites mixed with chopped veggies.  Delicious (the other half makes a sandwich for Steve)

We've been doing pretty well at eating clean... well... we were doing pretty well until Friday... That's when our girl scout cookie order showed up.  Curse those delicious little cookies.  I think next year I'll be crazy and not order any (assuming I've mastered self-control in the face of junk food by then).

Also,  tonight my cute parents took Stephen and I out to dinner to a Thai restaurant in Salt Lake.  It was super delicious.  I think I found a new go-to place for us.  I wish we had gotten more pictures, but we were all too busy stuffing our faces full of deliciousness.

My cute momma and I.

Well folks.... those are the happs with us lately.  Have a good rest of the weekend!  

Viva Las Vegas

Feb 14th - 17th was a three day weekend.

We decided kind of spur of the moment to go down to Vegas.  We had received a letter in the mail from the Wynn that gave us an awesome discount on a suite, free show tickets, and a free buffet meal.

We decided we really needed to go do something fun.  This year has been a bit of a downer for us so far and I was finally feeling well enough for a long car ride.  So we hit the road.

The first night we got there was Friday, it also happened to be Valentine's Day.  Stephen and I aren't really huge Valentine's Day celebrators but we decided we wanted to have a nice dinner.  We called the all the restaurants in the hotel, but of course they were all booked.  We walked the strip a bit and every restaurant we came upon was booked.  We had passed a "Hot Dog on a Stick" earlier and we were joking about how that could be our back up Valentine's dinner if we couldn't find any other place.  Part of me kind of wishes we would have eaten there because it would have been funny, but the other part of me is happy we found a restaurant.  We ran across an Outback Steakhouse which was hidden away in the strip.  It was delicious.

Saturday we decided to be tourists (even though I lived in Vegas for several years) and walked the strip.  We decided then and there that we aren't very good Vegas visitors.  We don't gamble, we don't drink, we don't really shop or spend unnecessary money... we're just kind of there... taking up room.  But... Vegas is AWESOME for people watching, drunk, slutty people galore.  Also, we saw lots of fun street performers.

Saturday night we went to La Reve at our hotel.  It was amazing.  I was thrilled that they let us take pictures.  The lighting situation was difficult, but I did what I could.

Sunday we checked out of our hotel, met up with my best friend in Vegas (Amy and her husband Montana), ate some yummy food, hung out in her apartment watching TV and painting our nails (Stephen and Montana excluded), spent the night, woke up Monday morning, played with some puppies, ate some breakfast and hit the open road.  It was a quick trip, but much needed for us.  It was nice to go down there and enjoy Vegas as tourists, we never get to do that (Sorry family and friends we didn't visit).

Now enjoy a slew of pictures.

Wait, quick side story:  (You probably don't care about this, but I thought it was funny and I wanted to write it down, so, deal with it.)  There were LOTS of super fancy shops in our hotel.  We passed one several times a day with a modest fancy dress in the window.  The first time we passed it I got really excited and told Steve that he should find me a fancy occasion to which I could wear the dress.  Without even skipping a beat he said, "the hunger games."

I couldn't get a picture of the pink lady without someone posing by her... hence the tourists.

This was my dad's last project as a construction manager in Vegas.

 May the odds be ever in your favor.

  

 The show even impressed hard to please Stephen ;)

  

   

 This one was my favorite.