Maggee Mae and Her Final Day

I hate waking up.

I hate coming home.

I hate meal time.

I hate cooking.

I hate these moments, because these are the moments I subconsciously forget that Maggee's gone.  These are the moments that the realization she's not waiting for me, or wishing I accidentally drop the chicken I'm cooking, or hoping I'll set my plate down so she can lick up whatever is left, these are the moments that make me, force me, to acknowledge that my favorite little fur friend is gone.  I'm not going to see her again during this lifetime.  These are the moments I hate.

I just miss her, ya know?  She was the sweetest, funniest little thing.  Her death didn't come suddenly, I had been preparing myself for months that it might happen soon.  But once she went downhill, she went downhill a lot faster that what I was ready for.  After all, just a week ago she was jumping around playing with Steve hoping he'd get her a treat.

Thursday she was fine.

Friday it seemed she had gotten significantly more blind and seemed to be in more pain.  We tried to give her pain pills but she refused to take them.  

Saturday she started to fall over a lot.  She couldn't walk up the stairs.  She'd get stuck in odd places, like under our kitchen table.  We thought, "let's take her to the vet just to see what we can do to help her."

So that's what we did.   We knew that this might be her "time."

Saturday morning I remember cautiously asking Steve, "when do you think we need to have that talk?"  He knew what I meant, neither of us wanted to say it out loud though.

Sidebar:  Back in November, Maggee got really sick, we thought that was going to be her "time."  She had lost a lot of weight.  Turns out she had a gastrointestinal infection and after some meds, she was happy as could be.  The vet said she had lost some muscle mass, that's common in old labs.  He said she may not be getting enough protein.  After that visit, we started giving her 1-2 eggs every day.  For the first little while we noticed she even seemed to be gaining weight, but I think we were just seeing what we wanted to see.

When we took Maggee back to the vet on Saturday, he noticed a mass in her abdomen, a HUGE mass.  One that wasn't noticed in November.  We didn't run tests, so we can't say for sure, but the vet thinks it was a cancerous tumor.  She fit the description perfectly.  The type of tumor he suspected it was, was one that was aggressive, one that sucked any and all nutrients from the dog.  Our pup had lost between 10-20 pounds since her last visit just 2 months ago.  We realized that there was nothing more we could do for Maggee so we talked to the vet, made an appointment for Monday and told Steve's family to come over Sunday and say goodbye.  Man, trying to make the appointment at the vet's was awful.  I knew it was best for Maggee, I knew she was suffering, this had all just happened faster than I thought it would.  The girl at the desk asked me the very first question, "What's your last name?"  and I lost it.  I could barely utter "Howe."  I gave up pretty quickly and went to trade spots with Steve (he was sitting down with Maggee).  He made the appointment and we went home.

I kept questioning whether or not we were doing the right thing.  Was it too soon?  Was there ANYTHING else we could do?  Then Heavenly Father put my mind at ease.  Maggee went downhill, and fast.

Saturday night, she lost her balanced and tipped over.  That was the last time she stood.  Steve picked her up and put her on the couch.  We laid down several towels and blankets, just in case she accidentally peed, but I guess her kidneys shut down, because she never did.  We didn't sleep much that night, we just laid there, watching her.  Her breathing became labored.  We didn't think she'd make it through the next day.

But Sunday was the same: sitting, waiting, watching.

Sunday night I cuddled her almost all night long and just cried.  Was this really the last time I'd cuddle with her?  I kept my hand on her chest to feel her heart beat.  I sunk in and out of consciousness.

Monday came, no change.  I was honestly surprised.  I didn't think she'd keep holding on, but she did.  

I've heard some people say that when a human is dying, they hold on for others, they fight death, but once given permission to go, they stop fighting.

I don't know exactly how one fights death, but I felt like that's what Maggee was doing.  All day Sunday we kept telling her that it was OK to go.  We'd be OK without her.  And we will be, just not yet...

But she kept holding on.  

Monday at noon we took her to the vet.  Stephen, Steve's mom, Steve's 2 sisters, and I all stood around her petting her and telling her how much we loved her as she drifted to sleep, and eventually into her next life.

I didn't want to go home.  A huge part of me wants to move to a place that has never had Maggee in it, but I know that won't fix this.

What's was even more cruel about that day is the fact that I had to go to my post-op appointment right after we got back from the vet's.  I looked like an absolute makeup-less mess.  I didn't care.  And surprisingly I held it together.  I'm still not sure how.

Tuesday Stephen stayed home from work, I was working from home... well... trying to work from home.  Sometimes my tears would get in the way of my vision.

Wednesday was the first day that I was alone in the home.  It was awful.  So quiet.  Maggee wasn't a loud dog, she never barked, never whimpered, just followed us around silently.  Or so I thought; I guess I never realized how much noise her little paws made.  Her claws would click on the ground everywhere she went, not a loud click, but an audible click.

Now our house is silent.

and empty.

and it's hard to be here all day.

Right now it's hard.  We know we'll be OK, and we know that we'll see her again.

We just really miss her.

Babysitting!

I really love being an aunt.  So so much.

I wish I could spend more time with my favorite littles.

But I can't so I cherish every moment that I do get with them.

Steve's brother Scott and his awesome wife Claire have an adorable little 11 month old, Aiden.

See, I was right about him being so adorable.

We took him over night so Scott and Claire could play and have some child-free fun.

He slept so well.  didn't wake up once!  Very different from the last time we had him when he woke up at 3 and didn't go back to sleep.  This time he slept from 8-6.  I don't mind getting up at 6 for smiles like these. 

We also got to see some of his awesome dance moves, he does some pretty cute bouncin'.

We also got to babysit my brother's daughters (different night).
We danced and sang princess style.
We had them over the last weekend we had our old couches, so we pushed the couches together and made an "ice castle" just like Elsa's from Frozen.  We also blew up tons of balloons and pretended they were snowballs.  I hope we have girls, Steve would make a really good girl dad.

(Please excuse the demon eyes)

New Years Eve

New Years of 2013 was WAAAAY better than 2012's New Years Eve.  In 2012 Steve and I were both deathly ill (seriously, I was slightly worried I was going to die) and we went to bed at 8. 

Anyway, this year, we went to my one of my friends houses.  We has so much fun.  We played a gamed called "Cards Against Humanity."  It is the absolute worst and most inappropriate game, buuuut..... it's also the most hilarious game I've played in a good long while.  It's like Apples to Apples, but..... edgy. 

Anyway, I sucked at taking pictures, I have 0. We were just having too much fun to stop and take pictures.  We played games until about 3ish, which means we didn't go to bed until 4ish.  I don't remember when the last time I stayed up that late was.  It made me feel young again ;) 

Our New Years Day was spend recovering and lounging around, and it was perfect.

Our Holly Jolly Christmas

Stephen and I are quite lucky when it comes to Christmas.  My family does all their festivities on Christmas Eve, and his do all theirs on Christmas day.  It's really nice that we don't have to choose, or alternate years.  I would have a really hard time with that.  Here's a few glimpses my crazy side:

Brinlee normally doesn't really care about me, and she's normally scared of Steve.  Her Christmas gift to us was to love on us for a bit. Here's a glimpse of the craziness that is the Hormans (there's about 9-10 people missing in this picture.) On Christmas day, Steve and I opened gifts in our living room and then I made us blueberry waffles (with my brand spankin' new waffle maker, thanks Santa!). Also, this Christmas I made a mistake I will never make again.  I bought glitter wrapping paper.  Enticing, right? That's what I thought.  Worst. Decision. Ever.  Tape won't stick to it so you have to glue it together, when you apply the glue you have to sit there and hold it until the glue is completely dry, otherwise it will end up working itself unwrapped.  PLUS, as you can imagine, glitter gets EVERYWHERE!!!  But, I don't believe in wasting, so we used it all up. Steve is cute.  He just makes me giggle.  My parents asked what we wanted for Christmas and his response was "a cordless hand vacuum."  Whoa whoa, slow down you party animal!  I can't make fun of him too much though, it has become one of my favorite gifts.  It's just sooo useful.  In fact, he used it to vacuum all the spare glitter off of me on Christmas morning.   After we opened gifts we got ready and went to Steve's mom's place.  We did (well, attempted) to do a Christmas puzzle, played games, and ate our weight in fudge.  I don't even feel bad, seriously, Steve's mom makes the most delicious fudge.  My Christmas gift to me was to not feel guilty about eating as much fudge as I wanted.  Totally worth it. In the evening we went to Steve's brother's house for a yummy dinner where we also played games and chit chatted.  I really love his family.  Each and everyone one of them are just so awesome.  Before I got married I was always worried that I wouldn't like my in-laws, or things would just be slightly awkward any time we were together.  But I lucked out, his family really is the best, I have so much fun with them. All in all, it was a pretty awesome Christmas.

Thanksgiving!

Let's backtrack shall we?  So last year, Steve and I had 2 Thanksgivings.  The majority of my family works in retail... and Thursday is spent getting ready for Black Friday (which really is Black Thursday now).  

On the actual day of Thanksgiving, I cooked.  Scary, right?  Did you know you can buy turkey roasts instead of the whole turkey?  I didn't.  But that's what I did, and I crock-potted that sucker.  It was pretty tasty.  Steve's mom and sister (the original Katie Howe)  came and enjoyed the day with us.  It was nice to see them.  I was too busy cooking to get any pictures :(

The Sunday after Thanksgiving we went to my brother's house.  My mom had each of us write what we were grateful for on a piece of paper.  She's going to put all the papers into a book.

We also celebrated my little cousin's birthday.

We had some good, fun times with our families.  We're so grateful that everyone (with the exception of my oldest brother) is close to each other and we get to enjoy the Holidays with them.

Day 7

Hi blog world! 

It's been 7 days since my surgery.

I just gotta say this, I've been completely overwhelmed. SOO many people have called and texted, and visited, and sent me cards, and sent me flowers, and brought us food and treats, and emailed me, and facebook messaged me, and sent me gifts.  So many people texted me a day or 2 before my surgery, or approached me at church and talked to me about how I was feeling and told me they were thinking about me and praying for me.  I've been so overwhelmed at the love and concern people have shown me. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.  I am so so so lucky to be surrounded by so many amazingly wonderful people.  I love you all so much and I just wish that I could express it as well as all of you have.

as far as my back goes... I'm on the "fast" track to recovery.  It has sucked a little bit, but honestly it has sucked less than anticipated.  So that's good.  I'm now to the point where I can get up all by myself (yay for independence!) and walk around for a bit.  My nerve pain was initially gone for the first several days, however it's back now :(  I'm working really hard on not being discouraged or depressed by that.  The physical therapist from the hospital said that I might feel nerve pain still but that could just be from swelling, there's only so much room to swell back there so sometimes nerves can get a bit pinched.  So when I get rough nerve pain I try to take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm not allowed to be upset until I'm all healed.  

I'm trying to be a stellar patient, ya know, the kind doctors love and wish all other patients were like?  I'm trying to follow my doctors orders to a T.  I feel more motivated now than ever to lose any extra weight.  I have a sucky back and if I do nothing to lose weight and get a good strong core, I'll herniate again... and again... and again.   and trust me, this is not something I want to do EVER again.  Nor would I wish it on any one else.  So, if you're reading this blog, go do some core workouts and eat some broccoli.  

PRONTO! 

I mean it.

You'll thank me when you've got a rockin' core and a rockin' spine.

And if you don't know where to start...  Start here.

Sadly I probably won't be able to do some good awesome core workouts until around the end of March (that's such a depressing thought), but you better believe I'll be taking extra long walks every day and trying to eat healthy.  Speaking of eating healthy, I've decided I'm a 90/10 type of girl.  90% of what I put into my body needs to be healthy, 10% can be chocolate, or brownies... or deliciously greasy pizza (you get the idea). I just can't do the whole "I eat perfectly clean ALL the time" thing.  I set myself up for failure when I do that.

Anyway, I'll stop taking up your time so you can go get some core work in ;)