Our life right now is drastically changing.
I'm feeling almost every emotion there is to feel.
I'm excited to meet this little [unnamed] fella. I'm nervous at the aspect of being a mother. I'm anxious I'll fall short. I'm cherishing the moments left with just Steve and I. I'm slightly sad that this season in my life is over. Never again will it just be Stephen and I. Yes, one day the kids will move out and we'll be alone again, but it will never be just us two that make up our family. I'm also thrilled at the idea that it will never be just us two again and our house will be filled with the noise of babies and children. I'm worried about preparing for this baby, will I be ready? Will Steve? What if I suffer with postpartum depression. Will I recognize it? Will I be in the right state of mind to ask for help? I'm bothered that I'm still throwing up, but also glad that it's slowed down. I'm concerned over every cramp I feel. I'm weepy over the most random things. I love my doctor. I feel ecstatic/weepy/in awe when I feel the baby kick and move. I feel defeated when it comes to migraines. I feel stressed toward picking a name. I feel guilty that I haven't been as healthy as I wanted to be, but happy that vegetables no longer make me want to throw up. I feel tired, just tired.
but mostly... I feel grateful that this baby is mine and that he is healthy.
Life right now is filled with to do lists.
I need to decide on paint colors and a theme for the nursery. I need to paint the crib, the dresser, and the rocker. I need to decide on fabric so my mother-in-law can sew crib bedding. I need to organize all the hand-me-downs I've gotten. I need to figure out a way to accurately thank the people who have given me said hand-me-downs.
Life right now is filled with planning.
I need to figure out my birth plan (even though nothing will go according to my plan). Every activity now has to be planned with the closeness of the restroom in mind. I often find I'm not good at planning for my snacks throughout the day. I'm hungry all the time, yet fill up so quickly. I find myself wasting parts of meals and running out of snacks at work.
Life right now has been focusing on how miraculous growing a baby truly is, and ignoring the stretch marks that have managed to show up everywhere. It's been focusing on the fact that my body and baby are healthy, despite the migraines and morning sickness I've been experiencing. It's been focusing on striving for health and nutrition, and not worrying about weight gain. It's been reminding myself that my body, despite the fact that it's been through the ringer the last few years, is amazing. It's been remembering that one day, I'll feel like myself again. I won't always be so tired. One day I'll be able to go to work, grocery shop, cook dinner, spend quality time with family, read scriptures, and work out all in one day and not need a week to recover from it. (FYI, the closest I've come to that day since I've been pregnant is work, grocery shop, and an easy dinner, followed by Steve reading scriptures aloud to me... then I threw up and got nothing productive done for the following few days.) It's been reminding myself that I'll one day be reliable again. I'll fulfill my church callings wonderfully and not need to work from home all the time or take time off.
To sum it up, life right now has been realizing that nothing will ever really be the same, I'll never feel ready for this baby to come, and despite the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings going through my head, life right now is overwhelmingly happy.
