Thursday Was a Learning Day

Hi blog world!

I'm not great at keeping up with blogging.  Life is just too gosh darn busy to commit to blogging consistently.  I want to start this blog off by saying how tremendously grateful I am for all my blessings.  Stephen and I are very very blessed.

 Let me back up.

    

I'll start with some of our most recent blessings.

I've worked at DMBA for a little over two years now.  I don't have a college degree.  I've only worked in our claims department for a total of 5 months.  A new job position recently opened and I thought, "what the heck, why not just try."  So I applied.  I was 100% confident going into it that I was not going to get it.  This was a HUGE promotion and there are so many amazing and well qualified people that I work with.  I thought for sure I would not be a serious candidate.  

I was wrong... after two projects and an excellent interview, I was told I got the job!

I'm the new Claims Documentation Specialist.

I think my mouth hung open for a solid ten seconds....  I was not prepared for a yes.  I didn't know what to say or how to react... heck I still don't.  All I know is I'm unbelievable blessed.  I'm also a little nervous that my lack of experience and education will show through, but luckily I'm surrounded by amazingly helpful people who come to my aid at the drop of a hat.  

I'm a very firm believer that Heavenly Father puts us exactly where we need to be, exactly when we need to be there.  I'm excited to be where I am.  This job is such an amazing blessing.

I want to be completely clear, I know I'm blessed and I'm so so so grateful that Stephen and I lead simple, fairly easy lives.  Our families are healthy and we are financially stable.  We have the best ward and perfect callings.  We have a nice house and a perfect Maggee.

We are blessed.

Unfortunately, life has trials as well as blessings.  No matter who you are or where you're at.  You will have trials.  It's an unavoidable part of life.  We learn, grow, and flourish best when we are being taught by life's trials.  

As some of you may know, my back sucks.  (This may seem like a small trial to most of you, until you experience ongoing, constant pain day in and day out.)  I hurt.  All. The. Time.  I honestly try to complain as little as possible.  There's nothing anyone can do about it and complaining only brings others down.

My back has been bothering me for almost two years now and I've been doing all I can to avoid surgery.  You name it, I've probably tried it.  Fact of the matter is, I hurt.  Simple daily things like doing laundry, or shaving my legs seem daunting most of the time.  It's not just the back pain that bothers me, but the fact that one of my disks is pinching my sciatic nerve, quite badly.  My leg hurts almost every hour of every day.

I've been told by doctors that I have an awful back for a 21 year old who has not suffered any type of physical trauma.  

I caved.  I decided to go to a surgeon.  My thought process was this, "I'd rather do surgery, be down for a few weeks and have a long stretch of a wonderful, working back.  If I have to get the surgery again 10 years down the road, so be it.  I want it fixed now, especially if I want to carry a child soon."  Maybe that was the wrong way of thinking, because it sure set me up for disappointment.

Thursday I met with a surgeon.  He looked at my MRI and said, "wow kiddo, you do not have a good back." 

Thank you.

He then went on to inform me that he can do surgery on my back and it may help relieve quite a bit of pressure on my nerve, but there's no "fixing" my back.  I can manage it through healthy daily habits and getting my core as strong as possible.  He said that if he were to only look at my MRI and guess my age, he would guess I was 50-60.  My doctor told me that in order to manage my pain the best I possibly can throughout my life, I need to be as thin as I possibly can... He also informed me that pregnancy is going to extra painful with my sucky spine structure, be advised that bed rest may a very realistic scenario.  

I walked out of that meeting thoroughly crushed.  Surgery was my last hope... that was my fall back plan.  I've tried everything else... surgery was supposed to make up for what my body couldn't do on its own.

I went to my car and had a complete breakdown.  Ugly cry face and all.

This pain has been bearable because I've always viewed it as short term.  It's never really crossed my mind that I'm going to suffer with back pain for the REST of my life.  I'm 21... I have a lot of life left.
I cried for a good long while before I felt like I could form a prayer.
I know better than to ask Heavenly Father to fix my back and make everything happy, I also know that Heavenly Father is loving, He is 100% aware of ALL of my struggles.  He's 100% aware of me, little ol' me.  Trials and pains are allowed in our lives because He is molding us into far better people than we are now.
So instead I prayed for comfort and patience to bear this.  It didn't come immediately.
I sat there for a few more minutes with silent tears running down cheeks just waiting...
Then it hit me, God helps those who help themselves.  I turned to my phone to read my scriptures and instead got distracted by the Ensign.  I read a story about a woman who realized that through trials in her life, she had the choice to be happy.
I realized in that moment that just because a few doctors say my back sucks, doesn't mean it always will.  I'm not holding out for a miracle, I know that sometimes people just have to hurt, it's a part of being human, but I realized I don't need to worry...
I don't know how my back will hold up through my life, I don't even know how my back will do throughout tomorrow, but I don't need to know.
I know that everything will be okay, it always has been and it always will be.
I'll continue to do what I'm supposed to, I'll try to eat healthy and strengthen my core as much as possible and have faith that Heavenly Father will handle the rest.
Because when it comes down to it, no matter what the trial is, that's all you can do.
Try your best and have faith in the rest.